Let me begin by saying that I don't have any easy answers for the person whose wife has decided that there is to be no more sex. Good sex always requires a sense of partnership and a give-and-take relationship in order to continue as we experience health changes and other challenges that change how we respond to the idea of sex and arousal. So when you tell me that your partner said "no more" without any sense of negotiation, I see an imbalance in the relationship that needs addressing. If the sexual aspect of your relationship is important to you, then I strongly recommend that the 2 of you work with a therapist who is skilled in both marriage counseling and sex therapy, to help the 2 of you get to a point where that sense of partnership and intimacy is restored.

Neither you nor I can change your wife without her willingness. I suggest you sit down with her, not at a time when you are wishing she'd have sex with you, and ask her to explore this issue further with the help of a therapist. Try hard not to use blaming language, and if you want to talk emotionally, then use language that says "when X happens, I feel" to help her understand how this feels to you. Ask her to be your partner in this, and work together. Tell her you understand that she has pain and other physical challenges that will mean that intimacy will be different for the 2 of you than it was before, but that you want her to work with you on it so you can be close again...whatever close means after you figure it out together.

Of course, this requires willingness on the part of your wife; wilingness to confront her discomfort with the idea of sex as an aging woman, willingness to consider compromises in what intimacy is and how to maintain it for both of you, and the willingness to confront whatever it is in your relationship that resulted in her shutting this part of it down. If she is not willing to do those things, then you are in the position of making some choices for yourself.

While the idea of a "mistress" is appealing, it is not an option here, unless you really just want someone in your life who is there to provide sexual release. Anything more than that requires commitment, true intimacy, and a relationship that is not secret and casual. Not to mention that your wife is clearly unwilling to consider sharing you with someone else.

So your choices are relatively few...accept the restrictions on your intimacy and enjoy self-pleasuring for your sexual desires, or choose to leave and start a new relationship. It really depends on how important sex is to you, and how painful this is for you. Yes, 73 is late to start over, but there are many people who do so and find dynamic partners who share their passions. You say you love your wife, and my question is whether you love her enough to accept the control that she has assumed over your intimacy. If she won't go to counseling with you, consider going on your own and exploring this issue (and any others that come up - we're never too old to grow our emotional lives) so you can find a way to live comfortably within your life choices.

If you want help finding a good therapist, try visiting http://www.aasect.org, the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists for a listing of certified sex therapists near you.

I wish you all the best as you work through this. It's a common problem in relationships, but that doesn't make it easy to resolve.

Nine years ago when my wife announced that there was to be no more nookies I felt like locking myself in the garage with the car motor running. There was no way out. no answer. No hope! She had a total hysterectomy at 29 shortly after our marriage but we enjoyed good relationships for many years. She is now 75 amd I'm 73. Problem is I still have a sex drive like a runaway express train. She has had M.E. (Epstein Barr Syndrome) for the past 17 years. She's a retired registered nurse - knows all the answers. Whenever I complain the ME is played as the trump card - the ace up the sleeve for which there is no answer. Even the woman doctor commented at the end of an inconclusive discussion "Sex isn't everything" In my wife's book it's dirty - disgusting and not something people of our age should be indulging in. I've been told to forget it. - just switch it off like some electrical circuit. Aside from self mutilation or drugs I can't come up with any magic switch. She screams dire threats at me if ever I should be unfaithful yet I love her. Why should I turn my life upside down with a divorce at 73? I think the Victorians had the right idea by keeping both a wife and a mistress. What would you do?

Katy, what a cool story to have appear on my father's 80th birthday!
Earle

Phew! I wish 40 were the new 20!